I grew up in the 1950s. Like my favorite TV shows Father Knows Best and Leave It To Beaver, my dad went off to work every day, and my mother stayed at home. My dad seemed to go out every day to meet and conquer the outside world, while my mother maintained our real world. As far as I could tell (it was the 1950s, infamous for keeping up appearances) all of the other families in our neighborhood had pretty much the same set-up. Some of us went to Catholic schools and others to public schools, but we all came home to moms who were there. And, usually by dinnertime, our dads came home, too.
We got to know the other moms and dads pretty well over the years, but at the end of the day, we went home to our own moms and dads. I never even conceived of a different way. Except for the time a new family moved in. Although the kids seemed to be like us (again...it was '50s suburbia!), there was something about the new family that was, well, unmentionable.
Literally. I can't remember how I found out that they were a divorced family, but I do remember that as soon as I realized the parents were divorced, I also somehow knew that it wasn't supposed to be talked about. Well, that gives a clear message! That, and the fact that I'd never seen June Cleaver or Jim Anderson explaining divorce and remarriage to Bud or Beaver. And, as far as step-parents or step-siblings go, the only words I had on the matter were about the types who made Cinderella's life so miserable. And, did you ever notice who ended up with the prince?
Anyway, like the 1950s, we all grew up and, well, what didn't change? Try to picture a neighborhood that isn't touched by divorce. There aren't too many families who haven't experienced step-relationships somewhere along the line. And, like my sense of being like everyone else in my own 1950s suburban hamlet, I find that I now share the experience of step-family life with the majority.
My family came to me with my husband: four older kids who were pretty much living on their own by the time I came along. Along with the normal and expected adjustments of being part of a stepfamily, came a joyful surprise and new role: step-grandmother! Forty years old, no kids of my own, but suddenly "Grandma Jill".
I was lucky. My stepfamily has been generously inclusive. If you find yourself in such a role...that is a babyboomer and a grandparent by marriage...here are a few tips that have worked for me.
First, the biological grandparents come first. We're lucky enough to have a special relationship, but, hey, they did all the work! Always respect the primary, biological relationships in a stepfamily.
Next, the stepkids are the parents. Like any grandparent relationship, it is up to the parents to make any and all important decisions. Offer your support and love, and WAIT TO BE ASKED!
Discuss with your stepkids how they would like to refer to you in your new role, and LISTEN! If they are more comfortable with "Jill" than "Grandma Jill", well, so be it. The important thing is your friendship with your stepkids and their kids.
Finally, enjoy the wonderful opprtunity for love and sharing that is part of any family. All families require care and commitment, and step families require an extra measure. But, if it's true that "the love we make is equal to the love we take", than that extra measure of love comes back to us in many wonderful ways.
© 2012 Created by Myles Bristowe.
