You're reaching an age now when the tables are turned. Your parents, who nurtured and cared for you to this point, may now be in need of your care. How do you react? What do you do? What comes out of this new relationship where you are the caregiver?
First, some national statistics that may alarm you:
* About 23% of US households (22.4 million) have at least one family caregiver
* Combined, their services have an economic value estimated at $113-286 billion
A recent first-of-its-kind survey of 1,506 English-speaking Americans sketched this picture of caregivers and those they care for:
The Recipients
* The typical recipient is a 77-year-old woman who lives alone
* 24% are 85 or older
* 22% (5 million) have Alzheimer's or other dementia
The Caregivers
* The typical caregiver is a married 46-year-old woman with a full-time job and high-school diploma
* 27% are males
* Average household income is $35,000
* On average, they provide 18 hours of care weekly; those whose relatives need the most care put in 57 hours
* Duration of care averages 4.5 years
* 54% have changed their work schedules to provide care
* 55% have given up vacations, hobbies, social life, or time with other family
* 49% feel other relatives have not done their fair share
* 15% report physical or mental health problems due to care giving
* 57% describe their care giving experience positively; 34% negatively
* 16% rely on household help; 14% on respite care; 10% on adult day care
This information is from The Boston Globe article "The Toll That Caring Takes" by Richard A. Knox (July 20, 1998). Sources: National Alliance for Care giving, American Association of Retired Persons.
DUTIFUL DAUGHTERS
How it Started
In the words of Janet Gould -- "Jacaranda blossoms fluttered blue-purple that Florida afternoon when the seeds for this book took root.
"I had been making trip from Boston three or four times each year following my mother's retirement. This time I was more eager to see her than usual, since she had been recovering from an arm injury for some weeks in an 'assisted living' facility.
"Without knowing it, I had joined the ranks of the thousands-indeed millions-of adult children, mostly daughters, actively involved with the care of aging parents. As I investigated resources, made files, consulted friends, and found web sites, I discovered one of the major secrets of American life: Those who care for aging parents feel like failures. And the resulting sense of shame is so pervasive that it prevents the expression of reasonable dialogue and emotions. Depression, social isolation and guilt are well-documented among caretakers.
"How does the caretaker take care of herself? Can we set limits without guilt? What are the dimensions of commitment? These are complex issues. While not an illness, aging is terminal. We cannot save our parents or prevent their decline. And the knowledge that one's best efforts can have value in the process without altering the result is hard won.
"The courage of the women in this collection who risk transforming powerful experiences and feelings into written words is heroic. When a subject is so integral to one's sense of self, the writing is neither easy in its process nor ordinary in its product. In their depth and scope, the pieces in this collection follow no prescribed pattern. There are no easy formulas for self-care, for saying good-bye, for the expression of tenderness and grief. These stories document a wide range of daughter's experiences, from humor to devastation, love to rage, desperation to serenity, denial to acceptance.
"Most of all, they express the determination of daughters to find places in their families that make sense, to know that they have done their best, and to forgive themselves when they have not. As these writers share what they have learned and continue to learn, they teach us how to age with our parents, as we discover again and again that we are the experts on care taking, both real and perceived, and that our most valuable resource is one another." As someone who may be giving care now, or be called on to provide for an aging parent in the future, you may want to read about the impact this new role has had on others. Pick up a copy of Dutiful Daughters: Caring for Our Parents as They Grow Old. Editor Jean Gould has collected the stories of twenty-two women confronted with the aging of their parents and the varying levels of care taking that requires. These first-person accounts portray with thoughtfulness and clarity the wide range of experiences: the possibility of deepening relationships; the opportunity for forgiveness; the ability to reach out and to look within to find strength; the sorrow of watching a parent grow old; and the chance to say good-bye.
From denial to acceptance, desperation to serenity, the writers transform their experiences and feelings into powerful testimonies to the profundity of family relationships. These women have taken on the role of "the dutiful daughter" with uncommon-and often unexpected-results.
After years of estrangement from Judaism, Sheila Golburgh Johnson reconciles with her faith as she watches her father find a new home in the Jewish community after his wife dies. Diane Reed struggles with her mother's request to ease her suffering and help her end her life. Putting aside years of parental abuse, Linda-Marie agrees to accept responsibility for her mother's care-and the trust thereby offered to her. Timely and compassionate, Dutiful Daughters offers insight and support to anyone who is touched by the needs and love of an aging family member.
According to the publisher, Seal Press, it is the first book to offer, through poignant and humorous first-person essays, support and understanding for the more complicated emotional issues involved with caring for aging parents There are many books on the market addressing eldercare. However, all of them approach the topic from a how-to format. Dutiful Daughters looks, not only at the care giving experience, but also, in a larger context, at the emotionally complex issue of the aging of our parents.
Reviewers have extolled the virtues of Gould's presentation and the fascinating experiences that occur. Kirkus reviews writes: "Gould, a visiting scholar in Women's Studies at Northeastern University, has collected 22 moving and provocative essays examining the many emotions felt by those caring for aging parents. From the diversity of voices and experiences, a number of common themes emerge. Among them is the healing that can occur between daughter and parent as the roles of dependency are reversed. . . . Concluding with resources from organizations and Web sites to books, Dutiful Daughters provides a powerful, intimate overview of circumstances likely to touch many of our lives."
From the Library Journal: "Edited by poet and essayist Gould (Season of Adventure), this unusual book of first-person essays by women writers is timely and engaging. Appearing just as policy-makers reassess Medicare and Social Security, it documents the private side of aging and care giving. Each of the 22 stories told here is different. As a result, this is a wonderfully varied exploration of the complicated emotional and spiritual issues that emerge for parents and daughters as their bodies and relationships age. It will likely be read by aging parents and their care giving children alike. Very highly recommended for all...."
Other reviewers suggest, "Every daughter should read this book. Aging parents themselves might also benefit from reading what daughters have to say about the interchange".
Nina M. Silverstein, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Gerontology, at the University of Massachusetts, Boston opines, "How they negotiate the maze of decision-making regarding both health and social services, and at the same time, try to respect the autonomy of their parents, are experiences worth examining by professionals and family members alike."
If you're still having second thoughts about the significance of this book to you, consider that as a Grandboomer, not only are your parents looking for help now, but, in the next generation, it will be you. More than likely, your parents will yield their independence slowly and reluctantly. What occurs now between you and your parents can be the cornerstone for your future care.
About the Author:
JEAN GOULD is the editor of Season of Adventure: Traveling Tales and Outdoor Journeys of Women Over 50 (Seal, 1996), and the author of a novel, Divorcing Your Grandmother (Morrow, 1985). For many years a college teacher and mental health professional, she is currently a visiting scholar in Women's Studies at Northeastern University. A book review editor at Sojourner: The Women's Forum, she lives in Natick, Massachusetts.
Dutiful Daughters: Caring for Our Parents as They Grow Old
Edited by Jean Gould, Seal Press, 288 pages, $16.95.
© 2012 Created by Myles Bristowe.
