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What the Law Says About Visiting Your GrandchildrenThankfully, most Grandboomers enjoy a loving and healthy relationship with their grandchildren. They are welcome visitors and communicate frequently via the Internet, phone and mail. You spend time with your grandchildren...take them on trips...and it benefits both of you. Many of you provide daycare or are even raising your grandchild. On the other side of the coin, some grandparents aren't permitted see or interact with their grandchildren because the children's parents or legal guardians refuse them permission. Maybe there is ill will between you and the child's parents. Or, they are divorced or a parent has died and the parent with custody does not want you to have the right to visit. You may be surprised to find out that laws that determine a grandparent's visitation rights vary from state to state. If you are being refused the opportunity to interact with your grandchild(ren), and you want to take action to be permitted to do so, your first step is to learn about the visitation law in the state where your grandchild lives. No state law automatically permits you the right to visit your grandchild. You may need to retain an attorney and go to court to ask for visitation rights. At one time, all 50 states permitted grandparents the right to ask the court to consider their request to visit their grandchildren. This is no longer true. Many states invalidated grandparent visitation laws mandating that they violate the rights of the parents. If your grandchild lives in one of those states, you have to work out the situation with the parent or guardian. Other state courts have upheld visitation laws. In those states, Grandboomers will have to prove they should be able to visit their grandchildren. If you appeal in one of these states, the court will act in the best interest of the child. Legal counsel can tell you whether grandparent visitation laws in the state where your grandchild lives have been upheld or have been made invalid by the courts. Going to court is an emotional experience and can also be expensive. Before taking that step, see if there is a more amicable solution to the situation:
Let's Play CleanupThis article is for Grandboomers whose grandchildren are at least seven years of age. Recently there was a horrific fire that killed a number of college students at a beachside cottage. That story generated a visit by news media to a college campus where they inspected the off-campus living quarters of a number of students. What they found was a universal disregard for cleanliness, neatness or concern for fire hazards. Clothes were strewn about, sometimes covering the entire floorspace. Food containers were piled high and in various stages of decay. Power boards plugged into each other accommodated computers, appliances and other electric items. All of these led back to a single plug into the wall wiring. This lack of concern and knowledge about basic housekeeping probably started when the kids were growing up. Their parents picked up after them and provided safe homes without ever including the children in what was being done. If you see this happening with your children and grandchildren, it's time as a Grandboomer, that you speak up and help educate your grandchild or grandchildren about the value of picking up after themselves and keeping their living areas tidy. It takes only a few minutes to demonstrate the value of dropping dirty clothes into a hamper rather than wantonly on the floor. In fairness to today's parents; in many cases both parents work. Home maintenance...even mowing the lawn...is done by hired help. So, parents don't teach their children how to do "things" the way our parents taught us. OK, so we've skipped a generation, but now that you're reaching retirement age, hopefully you'll have the opportunity to reforge the link and teach the young ones lessons for life about simple home maintenance, when to recognize danger signs, that an overloaded circuit can result in a fire and, yes, how to mow the lawn. Mowing is great exercise and provides instant gratification when you look back and see the nice trim lawn you've created. It's also a quiet time...the noise of the mower aside...when the person mowing can think about whatever. These lessons will be carried for life by the children. If they go away to school, they'll know about picking up and such simple things as emptying the clothes dryer lint filter to avoid a fire. When you set about cleaning the house, or if you do some of your own home maintenance, include the grandchildren. Tell them what you're doing and why. If they're old enough, let them pitch in. Outside they might paint, garden or do other chores. Inside, cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, washing dishes. It's time for Grandboomers to share their knowledge. The lessons the young ones learn will make them better parents in the future...and may save their lives when they set out on their own.
Be a Teacher to Your GrandchildrenSome years back, Grandboomers had the opportunity to meet a young college student from Nepal. He had a part-time job working for a pest control firm. One afternoon, he was part of a crew called to a home for senior citizens. "What kind of place is this?," he asked upon arrival. He was told it was where the elderly go to live. "We have no such thing in Nepal," he said. "It is the role of the elderly to be with the grandchildren, to tell them the family history, educate them and prepare them for life based on their experience." The lesson of the young Nepali student rings true for all grandparents...whatever our housing arrangements. We have a responsibility to help the grandchildren learn from our experience. Work with their parents, of course. While the Internet can provide answers to many of their questions, there's nothing to compare with first-hand knowledge.
Calling of the Loonsby Richard L. Provencher The morning's stillness was broken by the strange, laughing call of a loon. Colin touched his grandfather lightly on the shoulder. Their two-man tent was getting warm from the early burst of sun. "Time to get up." Colin spoke in a whisper, "Listen. Listen. It's them again!" Granddad quickly got dressed and joined his grandson outside. He had his binoculars and passed them to Colin. Colin was nervous as he focused on his target. The dark outline of the loon showed bright and clear, its head and neck was blackish with narrow patches of white on the throat. Granddad said that loons were usually in pairs. And they picked out their own favorite lake. It was not pleasant at home and Granddad felt that a little camping weekend would be good for Colin. Colin's eyes blurred as he looked through the binoculars. If only his parents could be here to see this. "Look Colin! They're diving for some small fish for breakfast." Colin knew they could stay underwater for a long time and then surface much farther away. He turned and gave the binoculars back to his grandfather. "How about breakfast?" his grandfather asked. Colin's thoughts were mixed up as he watched his grandfather work on the campfire. "Okay, I guess," he said sadly. He helped a little, then a lot -- and the dark cloud finally left his thoughts. "Granddad, do loons ever fight?" he asked. "I don't know. If they don't, I'm sure it's because they realize there is so much space to share." Colin wished humans could be like that. "It's not possible for a perfect world," Granddad's voice interrupted. "Well it's not fair. We should be working together just like the loons!" Colin almost shouted. He remembered his grandfather telling him that loons produced two eggs. And when they traveled on the water each parent looked after one of the young loons -- to protect and care for them. After breakfast, the boy and his grandfather prepared for a little canoe trip. They carried, and then pushed the canoe into two feet of water and got in. Colin's paddle thumped loudly on the thwart. "Did I scare away the loons, Granddad?" "They're resting somewhere right now, Colin. But we'll see them again tonight." The day passed swiftly as the canoe moved from one inlet to another. During that time, they saw chipmunks, a porcupine, a deer and many kinds of birds. The chickadee was Colin's favorite bird. Its piping call seemed to say, "This is my land!" And Colin knew he would help to protect it. Supper was a delicious meal of steak and beans. "I want tonight to be just perfect," his grandfather said. "Good food and good camping with my grandson." "With lots of love," Colin added. "And no fighting," his lips whispered. Colin thought about his mother and father. Maybe he should say the things he felt inside -- about how kind Granddad is and how the loons send a thrill up and down his back. Maybe he should do a little more at home, like the dishes. And even help Dad with the firewood. When Dad got grouchy, Colin would try not to growl back. Or slam his bedroom door when he was upset. Colin wanted everyone to give each other another chance. They could be like the loons. They could work it out. "Colin?" "Yes?" "Almost time." "Okay." And they both got their sleeping bags ready. Then they dressed in warm clothes, put mosquito repellant on and walked quietly to the edge of the lake. They sat together on the log. Colin leaned on Granddad's shoulder. Granddad's arm circled his precious grandson. A trickle of sound crept across the water. The wind laid its breath upon the growing symphony and carried it to the man and boy waiting eagerly. They were not disappointed. The loons called one to another in playful chords. It was as if they knew they had an audience. Sounds of peace and caring and a melodic beauty crisscrossed the lake. And they were absorbed into a little boy's heart. His own song was one of love for his family. Like the loons, he would bring back a message of a family working together. He put his arm around his grandfather's shoulder.
Colin squeezed really hard.
© 1994 by Richard L. Provencher.
Making the Most of Your Time with Grandchildrenby Susan Newman, Ph.D. Every grandparent is familiar with the "fly-by" visit: that short, rushed time spent with a grandchild that is closer to a pit stop than a bonding experience. The shortness of visits is dictated by the baby’s routine, parents’ hectic schedules, or strained relationships. You may feel your son- or daughter-in-law short-circuits your visits or you have a generalized feeling of being intrusive. Short or aborted visits are frustrating, but the good news is that the brevity of a visit, particularly when the children are very young, may have nothing to do with you. It’s Not Your Fault Many parents are hesitant to disrupt strict naptime and meal schedules, especially those of newborns, infants and toddlers. "If she misses a nap, or is put to bed much later than her regular bedtime, she wakes up several times during the night, which is exhausting to any parent," says Debbie Migneco, a mother of a 3-year-old in Jackson, NJ. Interfering with a grandchild’s schedule, no matter what his age or how slighted you feel, shows lack of respect for your adult child and he or she may interpret your untimely visits as a strong and disparaging message: you don’t believe I am parenting well or know what I’m doing. Think about it from the parents’ point of view and how they will feel when you decide at the spur of the moment to drop in. "It drives me crazy when my parents stop in right before my daughter's nap. They want to play with her, I can’t refuse, and I then have a horrible time getting her down. She’s cranky and stubborn and my parents leave me to deal with her," says a Michigan mother of a toddler and five-year-old. Frequent drop-in visits also have a tendency to be remembered long after the nap phase passes. Laura Jean Ford, New Jersey mother of a fourteen-year-old son and twenty-one-year old daughter, can still recall how her mother-in-law’s unannounced visits made her feel. "She would come by, without warning, everyday. It got so disruptive that after a while I would hide whenever I saw her car coming down the street. I wouldn’t have minded her visiting if she just gave me a ‘head’s up’ beforehand," she says. You have to respect routines parents have in place for their children as well as your adult child’s right to privacy. As your grandchildren age, and naps become a thing of the past, you’ll be granted more liberties and more time. The Grandparent Credo below will remind you of your role and importance. Best Friend, Favorite Playmate In the meantime, take advantage of every chance to connect with your grandchildren. The best part of being a grandparent is giving - whether it is a material gift or the gift of your time. The simplest of pleasures will delight both of you and bring you closer together. There are endless options for creating new memories and a special bond. These few suggestions, adapted from Little Things Mean a Lot, build strong connections to grandchildren and are ones their parents will welcome: Just Between Us. Adopt a unique "code word," usually a silly word or phrase, and repeat it every time you’re together. The expression will always be associated with you. An affectionate, clever nickname also works to link you permanently to your grandchild. I Have Time. It is not uncommon these days to go through childhood without playing board games. Cozy up, relax and enjoy moving your token around the board and helping a grandchild move his. Classic games like Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders are always crowd-pleasers among the young set. And the Award Goes To... Every child likes to be recognized for his unique qualities or achievements. Purchase special paper from a local stationary store to make a certificate honoring your grandchild. Or make a poster, "Great Game, James." Taste Sensations. Many parents are too busy to introduce their children to a variety of foods. Take your grandchild out for Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian or Mexican food. Prepare unusual foods together. Discovery Mission. Take your grandchild on outings to the zoo, museum or aquarium. If time is a constraint, go for a walk and point out interesting things along the way. In the time you have, whatever you do with or for your grandchildren tells them how important and special they are to you. To ensure smooth sailing and continued access as they grow, follow: The Grandparents Credo
Grandparents give time.
Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., teaches at Rutgers University in
New Jersey, and is the author of twelve books, including the popular
Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren,
Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and
Only, and most recently, Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship
With Your Mother and Father.
Visit Susan's web site: www.susannewmanphd.com
Give Those Old Family Photos to Your Grandkids NowEach summer our children and grandchildren come from near and far to join us for about a week. It gives them a chance to be kids again, laughing and playing like they did when they were growing up. While cleaning the basement recently, my husband opened a box filled with his family’s photos. Since we frequently go to auctions, we see this kind of material from time to time. "Who wants a box of instant relatives?," the auctioneer always says to get a laugh. However, it’s sad that historic family images have become separated from those who should have them. Since the fate of our own family photos could be the same if we allowed them to sit in the box until they were simply meaningless images on Kodak paper, we decided to divvy up the pictures while we still knew who was who. So, one night after ice cream and strawberry shortcake, we sat around the dining room table. The box was opened. The children, two girls and a boy (one daughter her own daughter couldn't be there), are great at sharing, so we felt that there would be no problems. Anyone could ask for a photo. If more than one person wanted that photo, it went into the middle until a copy or similar photo could be found. One granddaughter was there as well. A separate pile was started for the missing sibling. We started around eight o'clock and thought the process might take an hour. It continued past midnight. It was amazing. My husband recalled the names of relatives he had seen only once or twice as a child. Names of his parents' friends, and kids he grew up with came back from the recesses of his mind. Stories were told. Names and information were written on the back of the pictures so generations to come could see their ancestors. Questions flowed from the children as they absorbed their family history. "Wow, Grandma was really beautiful when she was young," was the consensus. It was no slight on the lined face they knew until she passed away. She was beautiful then in a different way. And, Grandpa, so handsome. "What a couple they made." Maybe that had something to do with their marriage lasting almost 60 years till death do them part. One large album started with photos of my husband’s mother and her friends from her teen and pre-marriage working years. It continued through her marriage, and finally with photos of my husband and his sister. (My husband and his sister had already divided the family photos once so her children could enjoy the same legacy.) That album was given to one daughter with the understanding that it belonged to everyone and she was the caretaker. Grandboomers might want to consider doing the same with their family photos. Let your children know who those people are in the photos, before they discover them as they prepare for your estate sale. We have photos of our ancestors throughout our home. Now, the children plan to have the same with theirs. It was a great night that brought the family even closer together. The children and the grandchildren now have a better understanding of who is who in their ancestral tree. And, at least in this family, a treasured box of family photos won’t be heading to the auction block.
Connecting with Future GenerationsWill your descendants know anything about you? Two active grandparents are creating time capsules -- a novel method for reconnecting with their descendants decades into the future. It's an idea you might want to implement with your family. If you are interested after reading this article, go to their website for a clear, step-by-step outline on how to leave a legacy and communicate something of yourself to your progeny. Two active grandparents have created a novel method for reconnecting with their descendants decades into the future. Nancy and Alan Bixby of Whidbey Island in Washington State wanted to leave a legacy that would prompt their city-based grandsons to experience the western wilderness. So, five years ago they started preparing time capsules to bury near their remote campsites in some of the most spectacular areas of the American West. "Our guess is that several decades into the future those two boys will likely be curious enough to search out the capsules with their own young families," says Alan Bixby, a retired video producer. "As they’re having fun, they’ll also be able to revisit memories of their grandparents." Most every summer while the young boys and their parents remain anchored to an urban life in Portland, Oregon, their energetic grandparents escape to wilderness areas of Washington, Idaho, and Montana in their RV to bury a few more time capsules. Using a hand-held GPS (Global Positioning System) device as their locator, the Bixbys have trekked through regions of incredible splendor. In these isolated areas they have discreetly hidden capsules of various sizes. GPS coordinates of latitude and longitude will identify the precise location of the drop-sites for any return trip ever. What do the tightly sealed geo-capsules contain? A few things of material value simply to boost future motivation to seek them out. But the many diverse items in each stainless steel tube are mostly of family and personal interest. "Our real motivation is to encourage a wilderness exposure for our grandsons when they become parents of their own children," says Nancy. But these planned adventures are double-sided because the Bixbys appear to have as much fun in preparing and depositing the capsules as the boys will in retrieving them. The grandparents have researched materials and methods that ensure time-capsule survival through several decades. To make certain that the GPS coordinates and other details are never lost, they prepare lists of capsule contents, physical maps, digital photos and satellite images together with retrieval instructions to leave with the boys’ parents. For added protection, they give duplicate records to young adult relatives and they send location coordinates to the International Time Capsule Society, which maintains a permanent registry of known capsules. A website crafted by the Bixbys explains their step-by-step procedure for assembling and preserving these memory capsules. ( www.timeinacapsule.com.) "Some people have asked if we think our grandsons may never have an interest in collecting the hidden treasures," notes Alan. "If you knew that there was a secret cache left exclusively for you in some remote area of spectacular beauty, just how many years could you live with that knowledge before you packed up the family and headed out for your own adventure?" The idea has elements of a related sport called geocaching, but geocapsuling can have a deeper significance to parents or grandparents (and their descendants) by encouraging wilderness adventures while leaving an exceptional legacy. The Bixbys have the advantage of living in a wilderness area. Most Grandboomers live in urban or developed areas where walking into the woods and burying a time capsule may also be trespassing. Before you start this project, make certain you have permission to bury your capsule where you want to. And, since access will come years down the road, choose an area sufficiently remote that your cache won't be accidently destroyed as rural land is developed. You can discover more about this project and learn how to do it yourself at www.timeinacapsule.com.
Government Reports on Grandparents Raising GrandchildrenOne-third of grandparent caregivers lived in "skipped generation" households where neither parent of the grandchild was present, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report released this month. The report is based on Census 2000 data. The Census Bureau released the report at the 12th Generations United International Conferenceon noting nearly 6 million grandparents lived with their grandchildren under age 18 in 2000. Of the grandparents living with their grandchildren, more than 40 percent were the grandchildren's primary caregivers. The report, Grandparents Living With Grandchildren: 2000, includes geographic distribution of grandparents living with grandchildren and serving as caregivers, as well as the length of time the grandparents cared for the grandchildren. The percentage of grandparent caregivers who lived in poverty also is shown. Some highlights from the report:
Hand-Me-Downs...Remembering the AncestorsThe most popular show on public television is the Antiques Roadshow. Every week people bring in items they hope will be worth a fortune...or at least enough for a good dinner. To us, the most interesting items are those that have been handed down in a family from generation to generation. The owners have no intention of selling even though estimates may be in the many thousands of dollars. "This was my great-great-great-grandfather's journal, and it will stay in the family," they say. Unfortunately, I have no such items in our family. Yes, there's an old photo album, but I don't know most of the people in them except for parents and grandparents. I do know some of my family history and wish I had a tangible remembrance of older ancestors. As a Grandboomer, you might have something in your family that you want to pass along to your grandchild(ren). It's an important part of sustaining the history of the family. It doesn't have to be valuable...just a remembrance. If you do, great. If you don't, consider starting the tradition now. Think of some personal item you have and tell your child about it and that you want to pass it along to your grandchild. That starts the link. Express the desire that it be passed along to future generations. You may consider writing a journal the family history as you know it...or even of your own life experiences. In this increasingly mobile society, families are together for too short a time. Handing something down is one way to remember those who have gone before and keep the family together.
Subsidized Housing for Grandparents Raising GrandchildrenOn June 10, 2001, The Boston Sunday Globe Magazine printed "Grandfamilies", an article by Mitchell Zuckoff about grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. We have excerpted portions of the article to bring you the information it contains about subsidized housing for grandparents raising grandchildren, and how the resident adults go about caring for the young. In this article, most of the grandparents involved are beyond the age of Grandboomers. However, from what we see, as more baby boomers become Grandboomers, there will be a continual rise in the Grandboomers raising their grandchildren. The Boston facility is based on economic need. In the future, such accommodations might be provided for a more affluent clientele. Comments from our viewers are welcome. From the article: GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDCHILDREN, IS A WINDOW INTO A GROWING DEMOGRAPHIC TREND: NATIONWIDE, 1.5 MILLION CHILDREN ARE BEING RAISED BY THEIR GRANDPARENTS. GrandFamilies House (is) the nation's first subsidized housing project exclusively for grandparents raising grandchildren. GrandFamilies House is a place of grab bars in the bathrooms and monkey bars in the backyard. It is a place where grandmothers are losing their teeth to age and grandchildren are losing them to the Tooth Fairy. When the oxygen-tank delivery man makes his rounds to sickly grandparents, he must remove childproof outlet covers before he can plug in his equipment. The doorways are extra wide to accommodate strollers for the young and walkers for the old. There are field trips to the zoo for the children, ambulance rides to the hospital for the elders. Its first-of-its-kind status makes GrandFamilies House ground zero -- a controlled, if at times chaotic, atmosphere -- for examining the effects and possible responses to a demographic boom. There are about 50 children in the project on any given day, a tiny slice of the more than 1.5 million children being raised by their grandparents nationwide, with more joining their numbers every day. In general, children living with grandparents are on the lowest rung of the economic ladder. Fully 50 percent of children living under their grandparents' roofs nationwide do not have health insurance, compared with 15 percent of children overall. They are 50 percent more likely to be poor than other children. Two-thirds of grandchildren living with single grandmothers are surviving below the poverty level, a 1998 census study found. "The bottom line is a lot of these grandparents aren't even hooked into where to go to get help," says Jean Bellow of the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. "They're alone out there." There is nothing new about grandparents taking in their children's children in times of need or loss. But in the past decade, grandparent-headed households have increased by more than 50 percent in the United States. The missing mothers and fathers - the "gap" or "skipped" generation -- are lost to violence or drugs, alcohol or divorce, mental or physical illness, tragic accidents, immaturity, irresponsibility, or some combination of them all. Some of the missing parents are long buried. Some have simply disappeared. Some are just a few miles away, living apart from their children in another home, on the streets, or in jail. They cross all racial, ethnic, and social lines, but poor, black families are disproportionately represented. What would happen, the nonprofit developers of GrandFamilies House wondered in the early 1990s, if children and elders in similarly rebuilt families were brought together under one roof? Could their common needs be met more effectively and their similar circumstances bond and enrich them? Or would the dysfunction and dislocation that brought them together defeat them all? The answer, it seems, is a little of both. GrandFamilies House opened in 1998 after a $4 million renovation funded through a mix of public and private sources, organized by three nonprofit groups: Boston Aging Concerns/Young and Old United; the Women's Institute for Housing and Economic Development; and YWCA Boston. In addition to relatively low-cost housing, the agencies' goal was to provide a mix of services, including transportation, counseling, day care, and even recreation, such as an arts-and-crafts class for the grandparents. The 26 apartments are filled, and there is a waiting list for openings. Though different in many ways, all 26 families in the house -- most headed by widowed, divorced, or otherwise single black women -- have much in common. Above all, their lives are marked by a common theme of loss. The children have lost their parents, and the elders have lost their children. As Janice Painten puts it: "We're the ones who stayed behind to care for the wounded." In 2G is Janice Painten, 60, one of only two white grandparents in the building. She is raising her 9-year-old grandson, Michael, and trying with mixed success to rescue her fractured family. Michael is the son of Janice's daughter, Heather, who is in prison. On the first day of school, Sonia Booker stands in the lobby of GrandFamilies House with 3-year-old Kiara, waiting for a bus that will take the girl to preschool. When it finally comes, Sonia lets out a theatrical cry - "Oh, freedom, freedom!" - then leaves in search of her own bus, one that will take her downtown to the Edward W. Brooke Courthouse. Sonia, a handsome woman with a regal bearing, is heading to court to win temporary custody of Kiara, with the blessing of the girl's mother, 23-year-old Leah Sweet. (Custody is granted.) Jean Bellow of the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children estimates that a grandparent might receive $392 per month, while a foster family might get as much as $615 per month for taking in the same child. The federal government estimates the minimum cost of raising a child in the Northeast to be between $642 and $765 a month. Several states have equalized the aid given to grandparents and foster families, but legislation to do so in Massachusetts has failed repeatedly in recent years. Lawmakers have balked at the potential cost. Supporters have lowered their expectations so much that they are now simply asking the Legislature to approve a formal study of the situation, to assess how much money would be needed to equalize payments. (This is the end of the excerpt.) The Boston house is a prototype, certain to benefit from a host of trials and errors. If you, as a Grandboomer, see the need for this type of housing in your area, start the ball rolling now by contacting your legislators and community service groups.
Are Your Grandchildren Adopted?Boston Globe writer Adam Pertman and his wife, Judy Baumwoll, live in Newton, MA, with their two adopted children. It is from this first person perspective that Pertman developed his new book, Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution Is Transforming America, offering valuable insights into the pleasures and pitfalls of adoption. Today, the grandchildren of many Grandboomers are adopted. For others, their children may be considering the adoption process, making them instant grandparents. While Pertman's book is not specifically written to address the grandparent relationship, it serves to educate all about the adoption process today, new opportunities and more. According to Pertman, the adoption revolution is transforming America. Here are some of the areas covered in Adoption Nation:
Pertman shatters the negative stereotypes that have long been associated with adoption, and provides a hopeful look to the future-one that's straight from the heart of an adoptive father. Jane Nast, president of American Adoption Congress had this to say about Adoption Nation, "The author truly understands the concerns of everyone in the adoption 'triad' and conveys this in an eloquent, compassionate way that brings adoption out of the shadows of secrecy into the mainstream of America. A remarkable book that I would like to put in the hands of everyone in the nation." And this from Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao, author of The Family of Adoption, "Adam Pertman brings the eye of a seasoned and wise journalist and the heart of an adoptive parent to this amazing book. It should be required reading for anyone related to and relating to adoption in any way." Adam Pertman is a staff reporter for the Boston Globe. He was a Pulitzer-Prize nominee for a series of articles on adoption published by the Globe and has been awarded the Century Foundation's Leonard Silk Journalism Fellowship for Adoption Nation.
Adoption Nation is published by Basic Books, and distributed by HarperCollins Publishers.
A New Role For Grandboomers...CaregiverYou're reaching an age now when the tables are turned. Your parents, who nurtured and cared for you to this point, may now be in need of your care. How do you react? What do you do? What comes out of this new relationship where you are the caregiver? First, some national statistics that may alarm you:
The Recipients
From denial to acceptance, desperation to serenity, the writers transform their experiences and feelings into powerful testimonies to the profundity of family relationships. These women have taken on the role of "the dutiful daughter" with uncommon-and often unexpected-results. After years of estrangement from Judaism, Sheila Golburgh Johnson reconciles with her faith as she watches her father find a new home in the Jewish community after his wife dies. Diane Reed struggles with her mother's request to ease her suffering and help her end her life. Putting aside years of parental abuse, Linda-Marie agrees to accept responsibility for her mother's care-and the trust thereby offered to her. Timely and compassionate, Dutiful Daughters offers insight and support to anyone who is touched by the needs and love of an aging family member. According to the publisher, Seal Press, it is the first book to offer, through poignant and humorous first-person essays, support and understanding for the more complicated emotional issues involved with caring for aging parents There are many books on the market addressing eldercare. However, all of them approach the topic from a how-to format. Dutiful Daughters looks, not only at the care giving experience, but also, in a larger context, at the emotionally complex issue of the aging of our parents. Reviewers have extolled the virtues of Gould's presentation and the fascinating experiences that occur. Kirkus reviews writes: "Gould, a visiting scholar in Women's Studies at Northeastern University, has collected 22 moving and provocative essays examining the many emotions felt by those caring for aging parents. From the diversity of voices and experiences, a number of common themes emerge. Among them is the healing that can occur between daughter and parent as the roles of dependency are reversed. . . . Concluding with resources from organizations and Web sites to books, Dutiful Daughters provides a powerful, intimate overview of circumstances likely to touch many of our lives." From the Library Journal: "Edited by poet and essayist Gould (Season of Adventure), this unusual book of first-person essays by women writers is timely and engaging. Appearing just as policy-makers reassess Medicare and Social Security, it documents the private side of aging and care giving. Each of the 22 stories told here is different. As a result, this is a wonderfully varied exploration of the complicated emotional and spiritual issues that emerge for parents and daughters as their bodies and relationships age. It will likely be read by aging parents and their care giving children alike. Very highly recommended for all...." Other reviewers suggest, "Every daughter should read this book. Aging parents themselves might also benefit from reading what daughters have to say about the interchange". Nina M. Silverstein, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Gerontology, at the University of Massachusetts, Boston opines, "How they negotiate the maze of decision-making regarding both health and social services, and at the same time, try to respect the autonomy of their parents, are experiences worth examining by professionals and family members alike." If you're still having second thoughts about the significance of this book to you, consider that as a Grandboomer, not only are your parents looking for help now, but, in the next generation, it will be you. More than likely, your parents will yield their independence slowly and reluctantly. What occurs now between you and your parents can be the cornerstone for your future care. About the Author: JEAN GOULD is the editor of Season of Adventure: Traveling Tales and Outdoor Journeys of Women Over 50 (Seal, 1996), and the author of a novel, Divorcing Your Grandmother (Morrow, 1985). For many years a college teacher and mental health professional, she is currently a visiting scholar in Women's Studies at Northeastern University. A book review editor at Sojourner: The Women's Forum, she lives in Natick, Massachusetts.
Dutiful Daughters: Caring for Our Parents as They Grow Old
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Family History Onlineby Michael Mills Genealogists were among the very first hobbyists to put the Web to work for them. With its aid, the search for family history has grown beyond the confines of dusty bookshelves and become a family hobby. Today, there are several huge sites and volunteer networks to help genealogists. RootsWeb is the Internet's oldest and largest free genealogy community. The mailing list started in 1987 and the surname list in 1988, and now it processes more than 180 million e-mail messages on over 18,000 mailing lists each month. There are millions of pages of free genealogical data and several large database projects underway. RootsWeb hosts 144,000 message boards and more than 12,000 independent sites. It is a world unto itself and a major piece of genealogy online. Visit RootsWeb at www.rootsweb.com. The Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints, the Mormons, has the world's largest collection of genealogical material, which it has been assembling since the Church was founded. They have been extremely active in promoting the use of computers in genealogy research, and their Personal Ancestral File 4.0.4 program is top-notch and free for the download. Recently, they opened their impressive Family Search online site, and it is as deep and wide as it is impressive. It's a professional undertaking, but non-commercial as it is run by the Church. If you are starting out and need some software for your PC/Mac, get their PAF 4.1 program. It is the standard that allows you to exchange and share information. Visit Family Search at www.familysearch.com. Genealogists are always looking for people in obscure places on the other end of the country - looking for their Uncle Ed who moved to Wila County in 1892. The problem was always being able to consult all of Wila County's records and information. There are courthouse records, church records, private genealogies, and stray references scattered all over the world and the Web. To solve the problem, the U.S. GenWeb project was created. The solution was for one or two dedicated volunteers to concentrate on just one county in a U.S. state and to set up a web site accessing every available resource for that county. Now, if you 're looking for information about Syracuse, you simply go to GenWeb's Onondaga County site in their New York State section. The entire United States and Canada are covered. You can find the U.S. GenWeb Project at www.usgenweb.org. And, finally, if you need more genealogical help, you can try Cyndi's List. It's an online directory of close to 50,000 links in more than 120 categories. It should speed up your search. Cyndi's List can be found at www.cyndislist.com. The world of online genealogy shows how the Web can transform a hobby, and there are hints at what can be done for stamp collectors. The above article is reprinted with permission from the May issue of The American Philatelist, the monthly publication of the American Philatelic Society. A philatelist is someone who collects stamps and/or related material. Grandboomers feels that passing the family history along to new generations is important and was in the midst of preparing an article on this topic when the above story appeared. Our thanks to the APS for allowing us to reprint this piece. Additional assistance in finding your family tree might be found at the home page of Joyce Rhoades Jenks. If any of our viewers have genealogical sites they would like to add, please email us at letters@grandboomers.com.
Learning How To Be a Step-grandmotherI grew up in the 1950s. Like my favorite TV shows Father Knows Best and Leave It To Beaver, my dad went off to work every day, and my mother stayed at home. My dad seemed to go out every day to meet and conquer the outside world, while my mother maintained our real world. As far as I could tell (it was the 1950s, infamous for keeping up appearances) all of the other families in our neighborhood had pretty much the same set-up. Some of us went to Catholic schools and others to public schools, but we all came home to moms who were there. And, usually by dinnertime, our dads came home, too. We got to know the other moms and dads pretty well over the years, but at the end of the day, we went home to our own moms and dads. I never even conceived of a different way. Except for the time a new family moved in. Although the kids seemed to be like us (again...it was '50s suburbia!), there was something about the new family that was, well, unmentionable. Literally. I can't remember how I found out that they were a divorced family, but I do remember that as soon as I realized the parents were divorced, I also somehow knew that it wasn't supposed to be talked about. Well, that gives a clear message! That, and the fact that I'd never seen June Cleaver or Jim Anderson explaining divorce and remarriage to Bud or Beaver. And, as far as step-parents or step-siblings go, the only words I had on the matter were about the types who made Cinderella's life so miserable. And, did you ever notice who ended up with the prince? Anyway, like the 1950s, we all grew up and, well, what didn't change? Try to picture a neighborhood that isn't touched by divorce. There aren't too many families who haven't experienced step-relationships somewhere along the line. And, like my sense of being like everyone else in my own 1950s suburban hamlet, I find that I now share the experience of step-family life with the majority. My family came to me with my husband: four older kids who were pretty much living on their own by the time I came along. Along with the normal and expected adjustments of being part of a stepfamily, came a joyful surprise and new role: step-grandmother! Forty years old, no kids of my own, but suddenly "Grandma Jill". I was lucky. My stepfamily has been generously inclusive. If you find yourself in such a role...that is a babyboomer and a grandparent by marriage...here are a few tips that have worked for me. First, the biological grandparents come first. We're lucky enough to have a special relationship, but, hey, they did all the work! Always respect the primary, biological relationships in a stepfamily. Next, the stepkids are the parents. Like any grandparent relationship, it is up to the parents to make any and all important decisions. Offer your support and love, and WAIT TO BE ASKED! Discuss with your stepkids how they would like to refer to you in your new role, and LISTEN! If they are more comfortable with "Jill" than "Grandma Jill", well, so be it. The important thing is your friendship with your stepkids and their kids.
Finally, enjoy the wonderful opprtunity for love and sharing that is
part of any family. All families require care and commitment, and step
families require an extra measure. But, if it's true that "the love
we make is equal to the love we take", than that extra measure of love
comes back to us in many wonderful ways. Are You Ready to Become a Grandboomer?Being a Grandboomer isn't all that easy. As you may be discovering, the seeds of being a happy Grandboomer were sown when you first became a parent (in some cases a stepparent) Did you create a good foundation for your children to follow? Do your children have the confidence necessary to be successful parents?Recently, Washington Times writer Paula Gray Hunter interviewed a number of experts who have worked and studied in the field. Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, founder of the Foundation for Grandparenting in Ojai, CA, had some interesting insights. His comments noted that being a good grandparent start when your child marries. That you should be supportive of the marriage and "become good friends" with you spouse's partner. His second point is extremely well taken and can be considered a cornerstone of Grandbooming. Dr. Kornhaber recommends that grandparents sit down with the expectant parents and discuss the role they will play in the new child's life. Sounds simple, but does it happen in real life, or are there a lot of problems taking place when the ideas and "rights" of grandparents are in conflict with the wants and desires of the parents. Think back! Here's a nice thought from Allan and Kathryn Zullo, authors of "The Nanas and the Papas: A Boomers Guide to Grandparenting". Mark the event as a rite of passage. Write a poem or song. Plant a tree. Our own personal experience told us we had to get up to date on changes in child rearing. Things we learned on the care and feeding of infants have changed. Don't plan on bring a crib down from the attic. It may be a safety hazard by today's standards. As for travel in a motor vehicle, car seats have been updated dramatically and the model that's best for your car should be purchased when the child is old enough to ride. Just as you did for your children, keep potentially dangerous items out of reach. And, remember, babies and small children get into everything. Here's one case where those old electric outlet covers will come in handy. And, an expansion gate for hallways and/or stairways. Check out some garage sales. These items show up all the time from families whose children have outgrown the need. Dr. Kornhaber recommends "being part of the child's world". Regular visits help the child identify you as part of the inner family. In the case where distance is involved, use email frequently. We suggest purchase of a scanner so you can send photos of yourself to the grandchild in sort of a surrogate visit. Scanners are inexpensive and easy to use. They also make great gifts if you want to see a lot of photos of your grandchild. Kathryn Zullo notes that if you send letters, use some type of bright sticker on your envelopes to create an identification that this letter is from Grandma. Remember, however, that much as you want to pamper and spoil the child, you must defer to the parents. They have the child day by day. You are only there on occasion. When babysitting, for example, discuss discipline strategy with the parents to insure grandchildren are not confused by a double standard.
At one time, there was a saying: "The nice thing about grandchildren is
that they come, they visit, and then they go home." In the weeks ahead,
we'll talk about Grandboomers who have an additional role...that of the
parent. Unmarried with ChildrenOur current look into the changing times and mores as far as grandbooming is concerned, we'd like some feedback from grandboomers who are grandparents of children born of unmarried parents. It may surprise you to learn that in the first half of the Nineties, more than half (53% to be precise) of firstborns of women 15 to 29 were conceived out of wedlock. Chivalry and shotgun weddings must still hold a place in society because in only 41% of those situations were the children born out of wedlock. These US Census figures also revealed that young pregnant women of today are thinking twice before rushing into a marriage. Today, less than half (23%) decide to marry before the birth of their child. Years ago, that percentage was over 50.
Whether you have a grandchild born out of wedlock, or an opinion about
the situation, we'd like to hear if you would treat this child any
differently. Look at the subject from all sides...from visits, to
gifts, to love and affection, to inheritance.
On Being a Grandfather for the First Timeby Dick CurranBeing a new grandparent is one of life's genuine bonuses. It differs from a cash bonus, which most of us rarely receive during our working years, in two ways. First, it is not earned, and second, there is no hike in our income tax. A new grandchild can bring out unexpected reactions. The most common experience is the sense that life goes on despite the fuss and bother of day-to-day living. The infant and the new grandparent can share moments of wonderment when both are rendered speechless. It is enough for each to just gaze at the other. Mixed in with a sense of awe and gratitude are the quiet murmurings of pride and even ownership. "Why not? My genes are part of it, too," and immediately the games begin. "It's got your eyes and my nose." But if the ownership instinct brings warmth and joy to the new grandparent, it may lead to some minor misunderstandings. Thus, two tips: First, respect the new parents' central role in caring for the new treasure. Help them learn the ropes, but don't try to take over. Next, respect your fellow grandparents' role in the sharing. Don't compete with them. Other than that...ENJOY!
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